The Rocket take bribe, and eats it

Published by adviser, Author: Jonathan Janasik - Commentary, Date: February 13, 2014
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I’ve always found it extremely off-putting when someone I don’t know is nice to me. I know that sounds like it’s just a personal character flaw, but I think it’s wrong to cast all of the blame onto myself. After all, one of the earliest stories I was ever told was about two hooligans that are offered the opportunity to eat a house made of candy. In a completely uncalled-for turn of events, it turns out that the edible house was actually a trap designed to make the children fat and plump to be cooked and eaten by some witch.

This story stuck with me as a child, frankly just because it was terrifying and featured attempted cannibalism. Mostly because cannibalism is a something that was seldom a driving plot point in other children’s books like Arthur or Clifford the Big Red Dog. As I grew up, the story took a new meaning to me. The two children, quite frankly, were beyond stupid because they never stopped to think about the situation. They didn’t question why someone would be living in a house made of candy. Otherwise a warning flag would have gone off that whoever was living there must be crazy. Second, they didn’t question why somebody would actually be okay with them literally eating her house. Which is another sure sign that something is absurdly wrong. But children are stupid, and if you trust people because they give you things, you’ll be eaten alive both metaphorically and maybe literally. Moral of the story: don’t trust anyone. This story came to mind two weeks ago when an apartment complex sent The Rocket four boxes of pizza, a liter of Dr. Pepper, and a liter of Mountain Dew. Who sends pizza out of the kindness of their hearts? Witches, if the fairy tales are to be believed. Realistically, this was most likely an attempt at making a bribe because this was the same week that this apartment complex was bidding against a rival complex over advertising space. It’s hard to believe that the two events were not related.  In order to keep my journalistic integrity and out of general fear of being poisoned from taking food from strangers, I refused to eat any pizza. As the News Editor of The Rocket I have an obligation to tell the truth even if it makes my own workplace look bad. With that in mind, I’ll admit that my colleagues ate the pizza. They ate all of it. It should be noted that we did not give the advertisement the special placement that the people who sent the pizzas wanted. I’m not exactly sure if that makes us look better or worse. The very same apartment complex also held a PR-friendly event Monday where they presented a giant check to the CSIL in order to ensure that we can pay for more A-list MTV celebrities on campus. While it is a nice gesture, I personally think that $5,000 is pretty much the minimum denomination that can be given on giant check without it being a joke. Especially considering giant checks are usually reserved for millions of dollars in prize money given on the Price is Right.

We all know that nobody would spend $5,000, four pizzas, a liter of Dr. Pepper, and another liter of Mountain Dew just to be nice. They obviously want good publicity in return, and even though I’m teasing them for it, I actually think it’s a good idea. Or at very least, it’s a better idea than spending money to run attack advertisements against other companies in order to gain awareness, as if they believe students are actually emotionally invested in argument about which apartment complex is the best.  I admit that I’m not an expert on advertising but I personally believe that the old saying is true. “Pizzas speak louder than words.”  Although if I was in charge of advertising in a college town, I’d recommend sponsoring an Octoberfest event. It’s a scientific fact that people are happier to make important decisions after a few drinks.

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