“Make Friends With Your House Plants”
The Rocket has reviewed almost everything. We’ve reviewed movies, video games, bars, food, and even pairs of trousers in the fashion column. I’ve decided that I want to push the boundaries of what has been done before. I’m going to do something mindblowingly-off-of-the-rocker crazy. I’m going to review a book.
To get this trend of book reviewing started, I’m bringing out the big guns right out of the gate. I’m reviewing a book by the best-selling author, Jerry Baker. For those of you unfortunate enough to have never heard of Jerry Baker, he’s the self-proclaimed America’s Master Gardener, and author of classics like “Plants Are Like People,” “Talk to Your Plants,” and “I Never Met a House Plant I Didn’t Like.”
The book I’ll be talking about today was one of Master Baker’s most intimate works entitled “Make Friends With Your House Plants.” Needless to say, the title instantly grabbed my attention. It’s always really hard to make friends with working pairs of legs, because then they just walk away from you. If you were friends with plants, it would be harder to run away from you because they are rooted to the soil. It’s the perfect plan.
But when I actually opened the book, I was met with a horrible truth. Plants apparently have personalities and that made me feel a little bit uneasy.
You see, when I was a young romantic, I would pick flowers all of the time. Sometimes I would even rip out the petals one by one. If plants have personalities, they probably also have feelings. And if plants have feelings, then that pretty much frames me as some kind of psycho serial killer. I mean, how would I like it if somebody tore off my limbs while asking me if their crush “loves me, or loves me not?” My guess is that I would most likely dislike the whole experience.
He also states that plants actually do have means of communication. What if this means that plants can talk to one another? They might be in cahoots with one another. I mean, I just tripped on the root of a tree the other day. I could have died. It was probably involved in a top-secret plot to murder me.
This is where Baker’s book comes in handy. It talks about how you can bribe the plants in order to beg for forgiveness. Plants apparently enjoy sunlight, water, soil, acupuncture, and pots. So if a plant is angry with you, give it pot. A lot of goddamn pot.
In conclusion, reading “Make Friends With Your House Plants” is a terrifying experience. Although the promise of making new friends is enticing, the realization that you don’t deserve friendship from a plant is a very hard fact to accept. With that being said, it would be a much shorter and more effective book if it would just tell you how to please your plant sexually.