Write me in the ballot

Published by Kaitlyn Shope, Date: April 11, 2024
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No matter the political party you belong to, everyone agrees that there is no perfect candidate. Obviously, you have not met me. Hi, my name is Katie Shope and I am (not) running for 53rd president of the United States. I have been informed by my peers about the phenomenon known as the Katie Shope Effect. A member of my cult, uh I mean, an individual influenced by me explained it as “…the manifestation of Katie Shope within other people, which is most often appearing as green, gay and goofy things (the three Gs)”. After being enlightened by my presence, people are often seen collecting green items, developing a sense of style and adopting my lingo. Being a follower of mine will also grant you these promises.

1. I will ban capris. Yes, there will be fashion police roaming the streets to shut down this grotesque act. Decisions need to be made. Are you going to wear pants or shorts? You cannot have both.

2. Sweet treats will be free on Saturdays and Sundays. Being a human is hard, and sometimes we need a reward. The amount of joy that radiates from a Dairy Queen Blizzard is irreplaceable. Everyone loves a good treat and alliteration.

3. Matcha will be served at every cafe. Where there is coffee, there should be tea. Where there is tea, there should be a matcha latte. There is nothing like the satisfaction of this earthy delicacy gliding on your taste buds. I should be able to experience this green liquid wherever I go.

4. Gut instinct can serve as scientific evidence. Yes, of course I believe in science, but I also believe in the dooming pit that sits in my stomach. The little person that lives in my belly has never steered me wrong. Do I always listen to her? Of course not. The point is that sometimes we know things without an explanation, and I trust my stomach genie with my life.

5. Every citizen must attend therapy. This is an obvious one. It is nearly impossible to live on this earth and not be at least a little mentally ill. Think about how many more sunshine and rainbows we would have if everyone could comfortably talk about their feelings. Imagine how many men we would see wearing tutus and buying their girlfriends tampons after working through their toxic masculinity. Also, if you say you do not like talking about yourself, you are a liar, which is something else you could work on during a session.

6. Normalize the Irish goodbye.

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Katie is a senior Strategic Communication and Media major with a concentration in Advertising and a minor in Art. This is her third year working for The Rocket. In her free time, she enjoys rock climbing and going to concerts. She is also the President of RockOUT and AdFed and a member of the honors college. Katie looks forward to gaining experience in the work field and building relationships with clients.

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