A field guide to species of college stereotype hybrids you can find only on SRU’s campus

Published by adviser, Author: Janelle Wilson - Editor in Chief, Date: September 3, 2015
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Not unlike a nature documentary, Slippery Rock is home to many species of college stereotypes. You’re probably asking what’s different about college stereotypes at SRU compared to other schools. Well, SRU is almost like a city surrounded by dead space dedicated to farmers and college kids, a culture that produces hybridizations unlike any other campus.

The Redneck Frat Boy

Natural Habitat: A Frat House adorned with a “Don’t Tread on Me” Flag

Call: “This is ‘Merica!”

The Redneck Frat Boy frequently wears a flannel over his letters, and will wear cowboy boots in place of Sperry’s. These types will often travel in caravans of lifted trucks, and know in their heart of hearts that the south will rise again. Don’t tread on this group, and preferably nowhere near them. While most schools have frat boys, and may have their share of rednecks, somewhere in SRU’s history, the frat boys have decided to bolster their numbers by welcoming the farmers into their ranks, creating the Redneck Frat Boy. Harmless enough on their own, Redneck Frat Boys travel in numbers.   

The Hipster Vegan

Natural Habitat: Holding up the line at Starbucks

Call: “This doesn’t have any animal byproduct, right?”

If you want to keep a Hipster Vegan out of your establishment, hang a sign that says, “No shoes, no showers, no service.” Hipster Vegans prefer locally owned coffee shops to Starbucks, but go to Starbucks for “convenience.” While they say they go to Starbucks for its convenience, they hold up the line by ordering the most inconvenient thing on the menu. “Can I get a French-pressed coffee with organic soymi… Oh, you don’t have organic soymilk? Talk about corporate greed.” Hipster Vegans most likely began interbreeding when being “vegan” became the underground-cool thing to be. Alone, hipsters and vegans are annoying, but when you combine them into one individual, one that doesn’t eat meat and only listens to things on vinyl, that’s when they become SRUs’ public enemy #1.

The Exercise Science Jock

Natural Habitat: The ARC

Call: “If you don’t re-rack your weights, get out of my gym!”

While it’s not surprising that the exercise science major would also be a jock, the major has such limited diversity, that it’s tough to see that the hybridization began even before they entered college. This person probably played sports all through high school, and thought that exercise science would be easy because “I played sport, so I know sports science.” Those few and proud who last more than their first semester in one of the most difficult majors on campus wear their green polos like a badge of honor, and can be seen patrolling the ARC even when no one’s asked them to. When confronted about what they would like to do with their degree, the Exercise Science Jock will defensively yell “I’m gonna be a personal trainer. Or a physical therapist. This pain wasn’t for nothing!” Back away slowly.

The Bar Hopping Adult Learners

Natural Habitat: Breaking a hip on pitcher night

Call: “I have a daughter about your age, she’s here tonight!”

Adult learners, they’re giving sage wisdom, talking about their children, or giving an anecdotal tidbit in class that no one wants to hear. Love them or hate them, you’d never imagine seeing them outside of class, let alone at the bar on Tuesday night, yet there they are. With all of the preaching new students get about making friends and getting involved with their community, who wouldn’t expect Miriam to get it in her head that the best way to get involved in her community would be slumming it with the traditional students at the bar Tuesday night. “I’m bringing these wings home for the kiddos,” she’ll say after several gin and tonics, “but I’m bringing you home with me.”

The Warrior Poet

Natural Habitat: Holding a Beats Pill at the Gamer’s Guild meetings.

Call: “I’m just  rolling dice until my rap career takes off.”

When SRU created a living learning community for humanities  students, what they didn’t expect was that the resident geeks and the rapper/poet would become friends. What transpired was an individual who takes poetry classes to increase the quality of his raps. When you told the aspiring rapper he should go to college, you never thought he’d major in something equally unprofitable. In D&D, he’s a lawful good warrior, but he won’t need escapism when his EP takes off, and hey, I heard from several

Dungeon Masters that his new mixtape, being released soon, is “fire.”

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