People should live like it’s both Valentines Day and St. Patrick’s Day every day of the year

Jonathan Janasik, Commentary
February 7, 2013

Captain Kirk from Star Trek is the perfect man.  He truly is an inspiration to us all. He’s handsome, strong, smart, handsome, and he always has some sort of inspiring introspective speech at hand. I think that people really need someone that they can look up to as a sort of moral compass to remind us that people can actually do wonderful things. But sadly, Kirk is just a pretend character from a television show.

Call me foolish, but I’m looking to find a real life example of someone who is perfect. I think that one of the most important aspects of being perfect is that they have to be remembered for what they’ve done long after they’ve died. So yes, although David Bowie might be the perfect human being now, will people still remember and celebrate his accomplishments in another hundred years?

The sad truth is that no, David Bowie may not be remembered. I think it takes something extremely special to be remembered for a long time. You have to be more than a rock star, a popular actor, or even the president. To be remembered, you have to get your name on the calendar. That’s why my parents only remember me when it’s my birthday.

For example, Christopher Columbus has his own day that appears on the calendar every year.  Because of this, we learned a lot about him in grade school. To summarize days of research, he was simply the cat’s pajamas. He was the first real American hero even though he wasn’t actually from America. I remember my teacher reading me a book in fifth grade that talked about how he fearlessly sailed the ocean, “discovered” America, and made millions of new friends with Native Americans.

Because of I heard all of this when I was young, I was practically brainwashed into thinking that he was kind of like Captain Kirk of the real life. Exploring new worlds, making friends, being handsome. At least, that’s what I thought until I discovered the internet. On the internet there are numerous sources stating that Columbus beat, raped, and enslaved the people of the New World. Now I could understand if he was a little bit grumpy and rude after being on a boat for over a month, I mean I get snippy after a twenty minute car ride if nothing good is playing on the radio. But I think this excuse only goes so far. The sad truth that I have to admit is that Columbus is not the moral hero that I once thought him to be.

Easter is of course named after the Easter bunny. His sole purpose in life is to make kids happy by sneaking into their houses and bringing them candy. That’s pretty much the most innocent job that anybody could have. Unfortunately after extensive research, I’ve found out that the Easter bunny has probably one of the worst secrets. If you’ve taken one of Slippery Rock’s wonderful biology classes, than you have probably realized that bunnies do not lay chicken eggs. Chicken eggs actually come from chickens.

This suggests that the Easter bunny actually receives the eggs that it colors and hides from chickens. Looking at this logically, I doubt that any chicken would willingly give up its child knowing what the Easter bunny actually does with eggs. The eggs that you find on Easter are very durable compared to the standard egg that you buy at the grocery store. This is because Easter eggs are boiled in hot water in order to become sturdier.

I know that there is a great debate about when life actually begins. Is it at conception, or is it only after the egg hatches? No matter what your opinion is, I think it’s safe to say that the thought of boiling someone’s child against their will is at least a little bit disturbing. Not to mention that the Easter bunny decorates them with bright pastel colors after sending them into a flaming inferno. Talk about kicking someone while their down.

Saint Valentine of Valentine’s Day and Saint Patrick of Saint Patrick’s Day are the last two named holidays that come to mind. In school, I never really heard much about them. Even the information on Wikipedia seems to be less detailed than the page dedicated to Captain Kirk. With that being said Saint Patrick’s Day gives people an excuse to get drunk, and Valentine’s Day gives an excuse to have copious amounts of sex.

Honestly, I don’t think that either of these two men could have done anything that negates the goodness that is given because of their respective holidays. So unless we find out that Saint Patrick was a rude drunk or that Saint Valentine was actually selfish in bed, I’m willing to say that they were both perfect men. We should live like it’s both Valentine’s day and Saint Patrick’s day every day.

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