Students need to be aware of the dangers certain beverages can bring

Published by adviser, Author: Jonathan Janasik - News Editor, Date: February 3, 2013

Five weeks is way too long for winter break. What am I supposed to do with free time? You can only read the Forty Shades of Grey trilogy so many times before kinky bondage becomes boring. When kinky bondage becomes boring, you know that there’s a problem.
Luckily, the spring semester has started, allowing classes to keep me occupied for five days every week. Unluckily, some bozos in the department of higher education had the bright idea that students shouldn’t go to class on Saturday or Sunday. This creates an obvious problem, there are two days per week where there is simply nothing to do. To make matters worse, the Forty Shades of Grey movie isn’t supposed to come out for a while. So what does the department of education suggest that I do with these two empty days? Develop a vampire fetish and watch the Twilight movies? No, I won’t have sexual thoughts about vampires, bozos of the department of education, you can’t make me.
I was recently invited to some sort of birthday party happening over the weekend. The odd thing about it is that it is nobody’s birthday. So I guess you could say that it’s a “nonbirthday party”, or maybe you can just call it a “party” in order to avoid reminding yourself the sad fact that no birthday cake will be present.
The invitation stated that it would be a BYOB event. For all of you kids who don’t get invited to cool parties like these, it means “bring your own beverage”. Of course the younger folk will probably bring soda, pop, or maybe even soda-pop but being as mature as I am, I’ll probably bring an adult drink. A nice cold bottle of milk is always a good choice. It goes well with pizza, chips, and Oreos and it helps build strong bones. Enjoy your osteoporosis, pop drinkers!
Some people get a bit rowdy after drinking too much. If this happens, it’s usually a good idea to simply stay away. But with that being said, sometimes conflict is hard to avoid. This is especially bad if they’ve been drinking milk because that means that their bones will be much stronger than usual, and if their bones are stronger than they will be able to easily break your face with their calcium power wrists.
I suggest that you try to scare them out of fighting. Say that you know kung-fu, even if you don’t know the first thing about it. If that doesn’t work, try to make yourself seem tougher by listing all of the different fighting styles that you can think of, for example karate, tae-kwon-do, jujitsu, jenga, or pommel horse. The final and most effective strategy is to make up and say a steamy rumor about his or her mother. He or she will be so happy that you provided such valuable information, and will most likely not want to crush your skull anymore.
I’ve also heard stories of people waking up in a stranger’s bed before, that’s the kind of thing that you would read in a spooky Edgar Allen Poe story. Don’t worry though, I figured out how this happens when I was at the tender age of eight years old. You see, when you drink a lot of milk, you’re body has to turn it into pee-pee. The process of turning moo-moo milk to pee-pee takes a lot of energy, quickly making your body exhausted. Because your body has no energy, you will fall asleep.
But how did you end up in somebody else’s bed? I asked this to my papa one day after passing out from drinking too much. He told me that he was the one that transported me to a bed. So what I’m trying to say is that your father probably picked you up from the party and took you to the coziest bed that you could find. This however probably did not happen if you live far away from your father. If that’s the case check the bedside, if someone else is sleeping on the bed, maybe he or she was the one who brought you to the safety of a bed. I recommend that do not wake him or her up because drinking too much milk can lead to you feeling groggy the next morning. Instead, leave a note that says “thank you” and sneak out the back door.
Some people say that they start having feelings of depression after drinking too much. I know that a nice drink eases off the stress of a hard day, but you have to realize that it can have negative effects on you. If drinking milk causes you to feel bad about yourself, you need to stop. Maybe try a different drink that doesn’t take such a large toll on the body. I suggest trying rum.


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