All of this hoopla on campus about “saving the environment” is starting to get to me. It seems like I can’t even roast marshmallows over a Butler Eagle-fuel flame without getting some shpeal on so called “air pollution”. Excuse me, this is America. The land of the free. And you’re telling me I’m not free to roast marshmallows?
People try to justify taking our freedom by saying we need to protect the environment, as if it was your dweeby little brother. News Flash: the environment is 4.66 billion years old, it’s a big boy now, and it should be responsible for itself by now.
Second News Flash: the environment is home to bears, it doesn’t need your protection. If anything, you need protection from the environment. It’s a bear-eat-man world out there and I’m starting to feel like everybody is leaving the winning team.
As much as I would like would like to lead humanity on a full tank, I simply cannot do it all by myself. The fight against environmental protection is something that we must all participate in. This isn’t about self-interest, and it isn’t to protect our gas providing heroes in the 1 percent, this this is for all of us as a campus.
I’m about to tell you a very real and personal story about the dangers of environmental protection. With that being said, I’m going to have to recommend that the faint of heart stop reading now, this is tragedy comparable to the Shakespearian classic, Macbeth.
So I was sitting at Boozel the other day, reading the latest and greatest edition of the Rocket. Suddenly, I had the urge to eat a cheeseburger. This troubling turn of events caused quite the conundrum because I only have two hands. As everybody knows, you cannot properly read the newspaper and eat a cheeseburger at the same time with only two hands.
I made the decision to put the newspaper on the table, and to use both of my hands to eat the cheeseburger. When I was finished, I picked up the paper and saw the most chilling sight that I had ever seen. A ketchup stain had soiled my copy of the Rocket. The bloody red goop had covered the front page photo of our dearest 16th president, Dr. Cheryl Norton. The horror! I could not even recognize our own president.
You may be asking how something like this could even happen on our campus. Boozel used to stand as a symbol of cleanliness for the Slippery Rock campus. It was the diner that campus needed. It was the diner that campus deserved. But that all changed when the environmentalists broke in and “liberated” us from our trays by saying that they use too much water.
As it turns out, without trays, food frequently spills all over the tables. Guess what needs to be used to clean tables. Water! I’m assuming that the environmentalists have figured this out, and have decided to save water by not cleaning the tables anymore. I know that some of the environmentalists may be up in arms after such a riveting accusation, and they may ask me for proof. And with that, I would point to any table at Boozel, they are all littered with proof. If you go to Boozel and they have cleaned the tables, then they have tampered with the evidence, and that is against the law!
This Boozel example really shows what we’re all fighting against. These environmentalists want to change the way we live. Change is scary. I know it takes a lot of courage to admit that you’re afraid to admit that you’re afraid of something, but things will only get worse if we don’t admit to ourselves that changing our way of life for the environment is scary. If we don’t take a stand today, when you go visit you families for Thanksgiving, you might find that your grandpa was replaced by a bear in order to make your house “more environmentally friendly”.
In fact, just a few weeks ago SRU released a statement that campus will be completely self-sustainable by 2037. This sounded fishy to me, so I dwelled deeper into the matter and spoke with a correspondent who will remain unnamed. She told me that the campus plans to quit burning our safe, dependable, and completely harmless supply of coal. Instead, we’re going to become mostly dependent on burning “biomass”.
Biomass sounds like something an evil professor would create to turn the entire population of Pittsburgh into zombies. After doing a little bit more prying, I found out it was much worse than that. Biomass is poop. The environmentalists want us to breathe our own excrement. To be fair, she said that it would not make any smell, but that’s what I tell myself when I’m about to pass “biomass”.
Newt Gingrich said that we should colonize in space. NASA has recently sent a rover to Mars, and it has confirmed through pictorial evidence that no bears live up there. With our growing population and recent environmental concerns considered, it seems like the only sane option is for us as a nation to colonize on Mars. We’ve all seen Star Trek, Star Wars, or Lost in Space, so we all know that nothing ever bad happens in space.
But before we depart, I recommend that you do your part to destroy the environment. Think about it this way, if we don’t get rid of it on Earth, it may follow us to Mars. I really don’t want to deal with yet another environment controversy. Space bears are the worst.