Monday afternoon at approximately 2:43 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, I opened my dorm room door to find my roommate and his girlfriend lying in his bed. Naked. Having sex.
Make no mistake, it was never my intention to bust in on them in the middle of the action, it just kind of happened.
If it was up to me, that wouldn’t have happened. It was a long Monday morning and at that point in time, I just wanted to sit down, eat a couple of Oreos, drink a glass of milk and play a quick round of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 on my Sega Genesis game console.
This was not the first time that I’ve walked in on my roommate, and I doubt that it will be the last time. I’m sure that the same thing will inevitably happen to most readers of the Rocket at some point in time in their Slippery Rock career.
In order to prevent this situation from being completely life-scarring, I have used my personal experiences to create a short list of tips for avoiding awkwardly walking in on your roommate having sex:
First and foremost, it’s important to address the problem up front. Tell your roommate that you want a warning when he or she is having somebody stay the night. I know that it sounds like an embarrassing conversation, but you know what else is embarrassing? Walking in on your roommate having sex.
Second, there is always a chance that your roommate may forget, or even straight up ignore your request for a warning. Because of this possibility, I recommend always checking the door before you open it. As we all know, sex can be pretty hot. You know what else is hot? Fire.
So when you check the door, you’re going to use the same methodology that you would use to check for a fire. Put both hands against the door to check for heat.
Sex creates friction, friction creates heat, and you should be able to feel that heat from outside of your door. If you’re still not sure about opening the door after the first test, perform the sound test.
This one is self-explanatory, just press one of your ears against the door. If you hear nothing, then you’re safe. If you hear screaming, moaning, and depending on your roommate’s level of experience, maybe even laughing, then there is probably a large doses of lovemaking going on in your room.
If you hear synthesized blasting in an up-beat variety of techno-inspired soundscapes, then you’re roommate is probably playing an arousing two-player game of Sonic the Hedgehog 2. I’ll let you decide if it’s worth walking in or not.
The third, final, and most reliable method of avoiding walking in on your roommate, is by you telling your roommate that you’re going to need the room tonight. Do you see what I did there? I turned the problem into the solution.
Inevitably, there are going to be some questions. You’re roommate is going to want to know who is coming over. You’re going to need a second person to pull this heist off. Invite that cute girl or boy from across the hall over, maybe text the smart one from geography class, just find somebody.
After that, you’ll have the room to yourself. Oh, and with whoever you invited. But that’s fine, you can finally eat some Oreos, drink some milk, and play a game of Sonic the Hedgehog 2.
In fact, you now have a second person to help you play Sonic the Hedgehog 2! That game is hard. At the end of the first level, the games protagonist Dr. Robotnik tries to swing these large balls at you. In level two, he shoots at you with his robotic goo-gun, and in level three he tries to penetrate you with his drill.
You should be happy that you invited somebody over in order to kick your roommate out to get some privacy in order to beat Sonic the Hedgehog 2. You deserve a reward for putting up with walking in on your roommate. I see no better reward than finally being able to beat that game. Unless you and second-player decide to have sex afterwards, I guess.