Dr. Emily Keener is a psychology professor at SRU whose research is focused on gender expression, dynamics and relationships. One part of her studies includes conflict resolution in friends and romantic relationships.
A healthy romantic relationship has several key components. Dr. Keener said these components can be looked at through Zilbergeld’s 5 Conditions.
Zilbergeld’s 5 Conditions is a concept Keener uses to teach the Human Sexual Behavior course. While the concept focuses on sexual relationships, it can be applied to a healthy relationship.
The five conditions include mutual consent, good communication, safety, emotional intimacy and mutual pleasure.
“You can think about literal sexual consent,” Keener said about the first condition, mutual consent. “But just broadly speaking, both partners should be willing and enthusiastic about any part of a relationship.”
Good communication is the second condition. “Partners should be able to communicate openly and honestly about anything,” she said.
Safety can be applied to safe sex or boundaries in relationships. “Obviously, any kind of abuse in a relationship is just unacceptable,” Keener said. “If there’s any dynamic in the relationship, sexual or otherwise, that the person doesn’t feel safe, that needs to be discussed.”
Emotional intimacy in a healthy relationship includes both partners feeling connected and comfortable with one another.
“Mutual pleasure is a good idea when you’re talking about sex, “ Keener said. “But sometimes people’s pleasures get prioritized over someone else’s.”
Keener mentioned that both partners’ interests and desires should be considered.
Identifying these five concepts in your relationship likely means you are on the right track in maintaining a healthy romantic relationship.
“As a developmental psychologist, I can’t help but comment on college being kind of the first time that these relationships could turn into long-term committed relationships,” Keener said.
Keener discussed how college is a time when relationships can “escalate quickly” and turn into marriage.
Because of this, Keener it is important to have conversations with your partner about their goals and values in the relationship.
“If one person isn’t serious and the other one is, that’s a problem, and you need to discuss it,” Keener said. “Is this just for fun, and just for right now? Or, is this something that we do need to see if it’s going to go somewhere long-term?”
Some of these “adult conversations” might include the possibility of starting a family.
“It’s so heartbreaking when you’re in a relationship that you think is going to last a long time, and then five years down the road you find out that your partner doesn’t want to have kids, and that’s the most important thing to you,” Keener said.
There are some patterns students can look for in their relationship that may raise a ‘red flag’. Keener referred to The Gottman Institute’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
The Four Horsemen refer to four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. They include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Keener gave advice to students who may see these patterns arising in their conflicts with their partner.
Discussing the issue with a romantic partner is the most effective first step to take, according to Keener. She also mentioned how some partners do not bring up the issue because they do not want to lose their partner.
“It might end the relationship if you bring it up,” Keener said. “And if your goal was to have a healthy, long-term, committed relationship where you have shared goals, then you should bring it up, and if it ends, then maybe that was meant to be.”
Keener emphasized that a romantic relationship should be fun and exciting. Having productive conversations about needs in a relationship can amplify the experience and success.
