The 7 Deadly Hand-Raisers

Published by adviser, Author: Janelle Wilson - Asst. Campus Life Editor, Date: March 26, 2015
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In my short time at Slippery Rock, I’ve met a ton of people, both good and bad, and while I’d like to say that deeds are the best judge of character, I think the motivation for why people raise their hands in class is more telling.

I present to you, the seven deadly hand-raisers, all of whom I hate equally:

1. The Anecdotal Hand Raiser:

If the professor gives a hypothetical scenario, the anecdotal hand raiser immediately relates to the situation personally, and must relay their own experience to the class. Outside of the classroom, this type of person is most likely one you hide from when you see them in Giant Eagle, simply because once they start talking, they can’t pick up social cues that it’s time to stop.

Catchphrase following the hand raise: “This one time, my mom/ brother/ uncle’s brother-law’s third wife did something similar…”

2. The Inquisitor:

This type of person will fire off a stream of questions after a professor gives an assignment, introduces something new or even breathes. This person likely was told in school that there was no such thing as a stupid question, and they took that advice to heart and carried it all the way to college. Outside of the classroom, this person is easily recognizable, mostly because they can’t figure out anything for themselves, and look lost all the time.

Catchphrase following the hand raise: “*Asks question about something that was clearly stated in the syllabus”

3. The Final Destination:

Whether it’s week 12 or week one, Final Destinations will be dying to know whether or not the information being presented at the moment will be on the final. Look out if the professor doesn’t give any indication if the lesson will be on the exam, because Final Destination will confront them after class and demand to know. Outside of the classroom, these are the people who have worried since the first day of freshman year whether or not they would get into graduate school.

Catchphrase following the hand raise: “Will this be on the final?”

4. The Front and Center:

Front and Centers’ hands raise as violently as a kraken from the sea. Teacher’s pet types, these hand raisers are eager to show what they know, and will go to any lengths to make sure their classmates know that they know the answer. They will also ask questions they already know the answer to, infinitely maximizing their F&C points and proving their worth. Outside of the classroom, Front and Centers are the one-uppers of this world, and are eager to let you know that they will always beat you.

Catchphrase following the hand raise: “Well, the answer is obviously x if you memorized each sentence of Chapter 5, as I have.”

5. The Opinionator:

No matter whether it’s instruction on how to do an assignment, or a project on a political party, Opinionator’s opinions are the greatest and best opinions out there, and he/she isn’t afraid to let you know. This person is often also seen as the Devil’s Advocate, because if their opinion is already being enforced, and they have nothing to add, they will take a new stance just so they release more opinions. Outside of class, these are the people who hang out outside of polling booths, asking voters who they are voting for, and challenging them either way. This type of hand raiser can also manifest as an Internet troll.

Catchphrase following the hand raise: “I disagree completely, because…”

6. The Stretch:

Stretchers are an interesting breed. Bred mostly from philosophy majors and stoners, this type will raise their hand to connect a professor’s point to another abstract point that’s indecipherable to any mind but theirs. If the professor doesn’t see their original point, they will connect that point to other strands of irrelevant information. Outside of class, they’re probably playing Animal Collective songs on pan flutes in the quad.

Catchphrase following the hand raise- “Could x be seen as, like, a metaphor for government corruption?”

*Spoiler alert: It can’t.

7. The Bullet Biter:

When a professor asks a question that seems stupidly simple, or the class just meets the professor with a blank stare, Bullet Biter will answer it, regardless of whether they think that they’re right or wrong, just to move the class on from the agonizing stalemate. Outside of class, Bullet Biters are the pioneers of hand raisers, and will volunteer for any opportunity that comes their way, simply because they need to have all issues settled before moving on.

Catchphrase following the hand raise- “I’ll just take a shot in the dark and say…”

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