The Rocket

Issue date: 10/26/07 Section: Opinion

It has been one year since I addressed the need for zombie evacuation plans and defensive fortifications on the Slippery Rock University campus.

Apparently, everyone thought it was a joke, since I have not seen one bit of progress. President Smith ignored my concerns on the issue, which is fine, since he will be the one that will have to deal with the crisis.

Even the students do not grasp the severity of this problem. I was talking to a friend at Ginger Hill about our own personal zombie evacuation plans and the differences in skull penetration between a .306 and a 12-gauge shotgun.

While we were talking, someone walked by and asked us what we would do if there were a werewolf attack. I politely informed the gentleman that there are no such things as werewolves, and even if there were, there would be no such outbreak that would compare to a zombie apocalypse.

I have not witnessed one fortress being built or even a simple defensive wall placed around the campus.

With all the construction going on, why not take this opportunity to use our tuition money for something that could save our lives? Instead, we have computer chips on our cell phones. The only use I can see for these is to help identify undead students after you destroy their brains.

The university has started sending emergency notifications through the new text-messaging system.

I will not sign up for this service until I am certain I will be informed if there is an outbreak of flesh-eaters. I can deal with snowstorms and the occasional blackout on my own. If I wake up at my apartment to a text message saying "Zombie outbreak. Classes cancelled," it will save me the hassle of traveling to campus and allow me to implement my own escape plan. When the dead start walking the earth, every second you have to prepare is crucial.

Just as I did last year, I urge you all to write to The Rocket with any ideas or suggestions to combat this lack of safety.

I also still hold true to my promise that, if given the funding, I will head and recruit members for the Slippery Rock Department of Zombie Control so we can eliminate any outbreak before it gets too large to handle.

Think of the horror if the zombie apocalypse occurs on our beautiful campus.

The lines will disappear in dining halls because human flesh is not on the menu. The library will finally be quiet; only the soft moans of the undead will disturb you. To top it off, there would actually be life forms that would stay on campus during the weekends. We can't let this happen to our fine university.

I hope, for the sake of our own lives, that this plea will be heard.

This is a problem that affects the hardest-working student down to the lone party kid stumbling back from a kegger. Zombies make no distinctions between people.

Actually, I take that back. They prefer those with brains, and after walking around this campus, I have to wonder about certain people.

Once again, happy Halloween!

Tony Maiocco is a senior communication major and a regular contributor to The Rocket.

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