2008 Woodie Awards
Macs make pretty paperweights
Bitter Bytes
By Brandon Himes
Rocket Web Editor
Issue date: 3/3/06 Section: Life
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How do I hate the Mac? Let me count the ways. First, I don't know why in the world Mac even bothers to send you one of their stupid one-buttoned mice. They may as well be packaging a turd right in there with your computer, because that would be just as useful.
I swear the Mac'n'trash mouse ruins the thousands of years of evolution it took for humans to learn to communicate. Mac has caused us to relapse to pointing at stuff and grunting "Ugh." Forget the right mouse button that gives us the ability to trigger complex operations with a single click. Nope. We aren't going to do that. We'll point and say "Ugh" like seven or eight times if that's what it takes to get through all of the menus. The senselessness of the thing leaves me stupefied. I just don't understand how anyone can stand not to purchase a new mouse right away.
Secondly, I have another problem just with the mousing involved with Macs. Why the freak is everything so drag-o-rific? The rest of the world has realized that when you've got cascading menus like just about every program for PC or Mac you want to be able to unclick the mouse button while you navigate through the menus. Even the Slippery Rock University Web site's brilliantly designed navigation system picked up on that trend, but not Mac.
Come on Mac. It's so much work moving the mouse all around with the button held down. Have you tried using this stuff? It creates friction with the desk and is just plain uncomfortable. Apparently, Crapple computers like to cause their users to get carpal tunnel. I guess it actually is safe to assume that anyone using a Mac is a glutton for punishment, though as they put up with their Mac on a daily basis.
Yet another frustration when using a Mac in a world of Windows machines (I'm not saying they are better, it's just a fact.) is the fact that Mac has roundly rejected the concept of file extensions. Windows, Linux and Unix all recognize the advantage of being able to identify a file's format by looking at its name. Crapple didn't bother. Why's that so frustrating? Well if you should, say, want to get what you're working on off of a stupid Mac and onto another computer with a decent operating system (OS), the user has to remember to add the extension manually. If you don't you'll get to the new machine and it won't have a clue how to open your work. Nice. That's the kind of compatibility I look for in an OS.
What the crap is the dashboard for? I was under the impression that I was using a computer so that I didn't have 500 random Post-it notes that got lost and disorganized.
Now, I don't want anyone out there getting the impression that I'm Bill Gates' Yes-man or anything. I hate a bunch of stuff about Windows too. I like Linux, particularly Ubuntu, but it isn't perfect either. So why am I picking on poor Mac? While, Windows, Linux and Unix all illicit complaints from me, I can at least use them without pounding my head off of the nearest wall. Though they have their flaws, at least the user experience isn't painful.
My hatred of Mac knows no bounds, so naturally I don't just hate the software; I hate the hardware too. Using proprietary hardware only is both greedy and spineless. Because only Mac has the right to make hardware for its machines, they can effectively charge whatever the heck they want for it. Nice. It's spineless too be cause instead of taking on the challenge of supporting multiple hardware vendors, Mac has chosen to hide behind proprietary manufacturing. No wonder Mac's market share is miniscule. Let us know when you're ready to play with the big boys, Mac.
So, with so much to hate about Mac, how can it still have any market share at all? The same reason Paris Hilton has a career. OK, sex videos aside; they're easy on the eyes. If people weren't drawn in by Mac's easy on the eyes software and hardware, I doubt I'd even be writing about it now.
A third dimension to my revulsion of Mac computers is the archetypical arrogant Mac user, who through some egotistical self-delusion believes that the Mac users of the world are the elite and somehow more intelligent. Hogwash. Why don't you take your white-headphone-wearin' pretty boy self out and find a new status symbol? Buy a car or something, gosh.
These holier than thou, narcissistic Mac users are so annoying there are pages all over the net calling for people to hate the player and not the game, suggesting that Mac users are the real problem and not the Mac itself. I suppose in some scenarios people could be blinded by hatred for users. However, I think it's more likely the authors of these pages are closet Mac users themselves and are scared to admit to it.
In conclusion, Mac software is absolutely horrible. Mac hardware is like Paris Hilton's soul: it looks pretty on the outside, but really you know that it's rotten and destined for an eternity of pain on the inside. Mac users, at least the portion that get high and mighty about it, need to put a sock in it. Mac OS came from a Unix-like OS anyway. Why don't you just use Unix instead of bastardizing it as you have? On that note I'd like to share an Internet Hoax that dates back to 2002 and was so convincing that it appeared on none other than The Mac Observer.
According to the hoax a creationist Web site claimed, "Mac Users, You Are Godless Communists!" The facts used to back up this allegation were that Mac OSX is based on a distribution of Linux called "Darwin." The hoax views this as an affront on creationist ideas. Furthermore, since Darwin is released under an open source license which gives the software away to one and all for free, the hoax calls Mac users communists. Lastly, the hoax Web site points out that Darwin's mascot is a platypus that wears devil horns and carries a pitch fork. The mascot is even named Hexley. Therefore, Mac users clearly support communism and are completely godless, or so the hoax goes.
Mac, I hate you. Yet I'll begrudgingly have to use your OS and hardware so long as you have the world fooled by your ravishing good looks and ploy to hide behind proprietary hardware. You don't fool me though. I know you're evil. I've seen it with my own eyes. I don't trust you as far as I can throw your single-buttoned crappy little mouse.
