2008 Woodie Awards
Pressure to be "perfect"
Student shares experience of living with an eating disorder in college
By Valerie Waltz
Issue date: 11/18/05 Section: News
Alexis, who asked that her real name not be used, is someone who appears to be an average college student on the outside. She is a senior accounting major who is excited to graduate in the spring.
At the same time, she is a college student who has a daunting secret.
Alexis suffers from bulimia. She has been diagnosed for four years.
"I can remember exactly when it started," she said. "It was my freshman year and I felt weak, as if I could control nothing around me. My grades were starting to go downhill. I felt helpless and I didn't really like the way I was."
She said she didn't consider herself heavy but wanted to be thinner.
"I was never obese, I was average looking. At the most I weighed 147 pounds, which was a healthy weight for my height, she said. "Then one day I decided I could do better, and that's when I started binge eating and throwing up afterwards. It's sick to say it, but I felt so much better when I did it; like I accomplished something."
She said after a while, people started telling her she looked better.
"After a few weeks the weight started falling off, people started commenting how good I looked. I felt as if I was doing something right, after all if I looked good at a tinier weight, did I look bad when I was my usual weight?" she said. "It kind of pushed me to keep it up. I didn't want to go back to looking bad. I had some control over something and I kept it up for four years."
Everyday after she scarfed down meals, she'd disappear into the bathroom for a few minutes. She explained that no one really noticed, as they all thought that going to the bathroom was the normal thing to do after eating dinner at Weisenfluh.
"I'd walk back with my friends from the dining hall, I'd make up some excuse to leave them and I'd go to the bathroom," Alexis said. "I'd go to the stall the furthest away from the door. Usually I'd end up closing the bathroom door, so my gagging didn't echo down the hall. I'd kneel down by the toilet and sometimes I wouldn't even have to stick my finger down my throat."
At the same time, she is a college student who has a daunting secret.
Alexis suffers from bulimia. She has been diagnosed for four years.
"I can remember exactly when it started," she said. "It was my freshman year and I felt weak, as if I could control nothing around me. My grades were starting to go downhill. I felt helpless and I didn't really like the way I was."
She said she didn't consider herself heavy but wanted to be thinner.
"I was never obese, I was average looking. At the most I weighed 147 pounds, which was a healthy weight for my height, she said. "Then one day I decided I could do better, and that's when I started binge eating and throwing up afterwards. It's sick to say it, but I felt so much better when I did it; like I accomplished something."
She said after a while, people started telling her she looked better.
"After a few weeks the weight started falling off, people started commenting how good I looked. I felt as if I was doing something right, after all if I looked good at a tinier weight, did I look bad when I was my usual weight?" she said. "It kind of pushed me to keep it up. I didn't want to go back to looking bad. I had some control over something and I kept it up for four years."
Everyday after she scarfed down meals, she'd disappear into the bathroom for a few minutes. She explained that no one really noticed, as they all thought that going to the bathroom was the normal thing to do after eating dinner at Weisenfluh.
"I'd walk back with my friends from the dining hall, I'd make up some excuse to leave them and I'd go to the bathroom," Alexis said. "I'd go to the stall the furthest away from the door. Usually I'd end up closing the bathroom door, so my gagging didn't echo down the hall. I'd kneel down by the toilet and sometimes I wouldn't even have to stick my finger down my throat."
