Thanksgiving, the contents of any foodie’s dream, is finally here. You don’t have to go far to find something in every food group and as diverse as the dishes are, so are the people sitting around your table. Along with candied yams and savory stuffing, there are also nutty uncles and dredged up stories.
This reminded me of “Full House’s” mix of family members who, at the end of the day, pull off some great accomplishment despite their quirks. In honor of their antics, here is your Thanksgiving feast, as described by Uncle Jesse, Michelle, Joey and Stephanie.
“Not the hair, huh?” – Uncle Jesse
It took an hour of “ooh’s” and “ahh’s” while trying on potential outfits to reach the “that’s it, I’m not going” point. Then in through the door comes dear Aunt Wilma with a yippy rat-dog and pinchers of steel coming right for your cheeks. It takes every ounce of you not to roast the itchy wool sweater she pulls over your head instead of the turkey. Speaking of turkey…
“You’re in big trouble, mister.” – Michelle
Can we at least agree that blowtorching the turkey sounded like an awesome idea? Technology is “in.” But apparently mom didn’t wake up at 4 a.m. to stuff bread crumbs up a dead turkey’s butt for you to fry it up like a bug under a magnifying glass. Lesson learned.
“Well pin a rose on your nose.” – Stephanie
Uncle Wayne is four glasses deep in the wine sharing his opinions on global warming and your relationship status. You pour him another one, mention that your brother has not been seeing anyone either and escape to the kitchen to make the turkey cook faster by staring at it.
“Is it made of…wood?” – Joey
FINALLY dinner is ready. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy and oh look, Aunt Wilma brought a dish. Some sort of healthy, chewy, barley, something-you-can’t-pronounce sticks. It tastes like you bit into a tree limb. Gonna need some gravy over here, stat.
“Cut, it, out.” – Joey
Everyone is enjoying dinner and sharing family stories. There was the family vacation at the lake, the time Uncle Wayne got stuck in the fence, and across the table cousin John wants to tell the story of when you…*kick*, nope. No one wants to hear that story. It’s boring. I’m boring. Let’s go back to the fence.
“No way, Jose.” – Michelle
Mom asks if you want another scoop of mashed potatoes. You can’t possibly hold anymore. You’re raising the white flag. Food: 1,000,000. You: 0.
“DUH.” – Michelle
But do you have room for dessert? Of course you do. What kind of question is that? You just needed a second wind. There are only two kinds of people in this world: Joey Chestnut and amateurs.
“Have mercy.” – Uncle Jesse
Post-dinner everyone has left the table to find comfortable chairs as the urge to snooze sets in. You regret none of the fat, sugar and booze you consumed as you settle into a food-induced nap, dreaming of angry Black Friday shoppers fighting over a limited-edition keychain.
“Oh boy, spaghetti!” – Michelle
A week or so later you can’t wait to have anything but leftover turkey and stuffing. So many new flavors on your taste buds. But you could still go for a slice of pie, always. Until next year, Thanksgiving. How many days until Christmas?
Happy Thanksgiving, Butter Lovers.